Pervasive Parenting
By Kodey Toney
The Power of Equality
We recently celebrated the birthday of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. As that day rolled by some enjoyed their day off from work and school while others moved on as if it were just another day. I began to think about what Dr. King was really trying to accomplish before his life was tragically cut short by bigotry and fear.
While King may be happy with the way things have played out in recent years I’m sure he would not be satisified with the amount of prejudice that still exists in the world. Let’s not kid ourselves, there is still racism toward African Americans in the world. The issue lies in other cultures and groups as well.
That same fear and ignorance is seen in the disability world. I’ve written several times about the civil rights of those with developmental disabilities. This is something that became more apparent when I was presenting by “mock” bill to the state legislators recently. The bill was actually introduced in recent years to the state congress but got lost in the shuffle of bureaucracy.
The reason behind this bill is what was shocking to me. It seems that in the 1930s the government was working to help increase employment for military veterans with disabilities, so they put into place an act that would allow employers to hire these men first and receive a tax cut and incentive plan. This was a great idea at the time. Along the way there was a section added that would allow employers to also hire individuals with developmental disabilities with the same perks.
This sounds like a good plan, however, many of those would be, and still are, employed for less than minimum wage. You see, the act has a clause where employers can be hired with a certificate from the Department of Labor for sub-minimum wages. This has its ups and downs, but the real problem is that some people are being exploited. Employees can be paid as little as one penny per hour. This is rare, but it is possible.
I’m only giving this as an example of the inequality still being shown in the world.
Dr. King had a dream, and, while much of that dream has come to light, there is still a lot that continues to be a visionary fantasy. We are still looking for equality in the classrooms and throughout our schools, in healthcare, and in employment.
I found it fitting that President Obama was sworn in using Dr. King’s bible as well as one used by Abraham Lincoln. Especially appropriate is the fact that this is the 150th anniversary of the Emancipation Proclamation, and the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington where King delivered his speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.
Lincoln believed that “all” men were created equal. While he was borrowing from the Declaration of Independence, it is that search for fairness that we, as parents of children with disabilities need to continue to strive for in this nation.
I’m not trying to downplay the plight of African Americans and the tragedy they have had to overcome. I’m trying to explain that there is not equality in the world, despite what many want to believe. We have to work to change things for the future of our children and others struggling.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Make A Stand
Pervasive Parenting
By Kodey Toney
Make a Stand
I have a huge fear. My fear is that someday Konner will be in middle school. I know that sounds strange, but if we think back to middle school we can remember how rough that time was. There was awkwardness all round. If you hadn’t grown into your feet yet, you had too much acne, or you were a little too lanky for your body people would make fun of you. Nobody was exempt from the ridicule. It was just a rite of passage. Even the “cool kids” in your class were being made fun of by the people older than them.
I know it’s going to happen, and sooner than I care to think, but I just know that this will be worse for him than others. If I’m being honest, and I feel most of you were too, I was guilty of making fun of people throughout middle school.... Not because I really believed what was coming out of my mouth, but I thought that if I didn’t I wouldn’t be cool, and I would be the one made fun of instead.
So why am I telling this. There are several reasons I guess. Number one is that I really feel guilty lately for things in the past. I can’t think of any one incident that happened where I really made fun of anyone, but I know that I did, and I’m guessing that the person that I made fun of probably remembers. He/she will probably remember for the rest of their lives. If that is the case then I want to apologize.
These days I when I watch a movie that makes fun of someone with a disability I don’t really laugh anymore. I just think, why do people think that’s funny? Why did I think that was funny?
I want others to know that you are not alone if you have done this. Like me, you can help to change things. You can step in to help others with disabilities. Be the voice that stands up for those who can’t stand up for themselves. Advocate for others. Help them out in any way you can.
Perhaps the most important thing is that you talk to your children. Let them know that they shouldn’t make fun of others. They should stand up for others as well. They shouldn’t let others bully anyone else. This is where so many of the problems in our schools these days stem from. Explain to them that further down the line this will affect a child tremendously, but if a child with autism knows that they have someone who respects them enough to stand up for them it will help their self-esteem.
Don’t forget, most children with autism have social issues. If we show them that they have a friend then it will help them.
It’s funny how things change. You think differently when it’s your child that has a disability. I’m not sure now if there are many people I know who don’t know someone with a disability in their family or close to them.
Let’s not forget that everyone is a person. We are human. We have feelings. We need to show compassion to everyone. Don’t ever feel like they don’t understand you, hear you, or care what you say about them. It is simply not true. Don’t forget the golden rule in life; it goes for everyone.
By Kodey Toney
Make a Stand
I have a huge fear. My fear is that someday Konner will be in middle school. I know that sounds strange, but if we think back to middle school we can remember how rough that time was. There was awkwardness all round. If you hadn’t grown into your feet yet, you had too much acne, or you were a little too lanky for your body people would make fun of you. Nobody was exempt from the ridicule. It was just a rite of passage. Even the “cool kids” in your class were being made fun of by the people older than them.
I know it’s going to happen, and sooner than I care to think, but I just know that this will be worse for him than others. If I’m being honest, and I feel most of you were too, I was guilty of making fun of people throughout middle school.... Not because I really believed what was coming out of my mouth, but I thought that if I didn’t I wouldn’t be cool, and I would be the one made fun of instead.
So why am I telling this. There are several reasons I guess. Number one is that I really feel guilty lately for things in the past. I can’t think of any one incident that happened where I really made fun of anyone, but I know that I did, and I’m guessing that the person that I made fun of probably remembers. He/she will probably remember for the rest of their lives. If that is the case then I want to apologize.
These days I when I watch a movie that makes fun of someone with a disability I don’t really laugh anymore. I just think, why do people think that’s funny? Why did I think that was funny?
I want others to know that you are not alone if you have done this. Like me, you can help to change things. You can step in to help others with disabilities. Be the voice that stands up for those who can’t stand up for themselves. Advocate for others. Help them out in any way you can.
Perhaps the most important thing is that you talk to your children. Let them know that they shouldn’t make fun of others. They should stand up for others as well. They shouldn’t let others bully anyone else. This is where so many of the problems in our schools these days stem from. Explain to them that further down the line this will affect a child tremendously, but if a child with autism knows that they have someone who respects them enough to stand up for them it will help their self-esteem.
Don’t forget, most children with autism have social issues. If we show them that they have a friend then it will help them.
It’s funny how things change. You think differently when it’s your child that has a disability. I’m not sure now if there are many people I know who don’t know someone with a disability in their family or close to them.
Let’s not forget that everyone is a person. We are human. We have feelings. We need to show compassion to everyone. Don’t ever feel like they don’t understand you, hear you, or care what you say about them. It is simply not true. Don’t forget the golden rule in life; it goes for everyone.
You’ve Got To Fight For Your Right
Pervasive Parenting
By Kodey Toney
You’ve Got To Fight For Your Right
When I remember back to civics class in high school when we learned about the executive, judicial, and legislative branches of government, never did I think that I would use that information again. However, this weekend at Partners in Policymaking I received a crash course in legislation. This was way more in-depth than anything I was taught in school.
Our guest presenter Sandy Ingraham was awesome. She knows more about the Oklahoma legislature then most people I’ve met. She helped guide the class through the process of presenting a bill and helping get it passed through the powers that be in Oklahoma City, and it was not only insightful, it wasn’t boring.
This was all an effort to help us prepare for Sunday when we had to present mock bills to four State Representatives. This was nerve-racking, but awesome. It was just another great experience that I had during this program.
“So what does this have to do with being a parent? Why would this affect me? “ you might ask. As a parent, as I’ve said many times, you are your child’s best advocate. Your voice is very important to get the resources your child needs. Think about their future. What happens now can affect their future.
Most would say, “Well I can’t make a difference. I don’t like politics. They won’t listen anyway. They’re just going to do what they want to.” The four representatives that we had the privilege to present to took time out of their Sunday to assist us in the process. That means they do care about what is best for your child and others with disabilities. They are not alone. They are also human. It’s not about politics. It’s about getting what is best for you, your children, and others like you.
One of the main things each representative told us was to contact them. They don’t know what your concern is if you don’t call. If you have a problem with healthcare, services, resources, or anything that may be an issue with your child call your representative or senator. This is why they are there. This is why we elect them into office.
They all agreed that meeting with them in person is better, so make an effort to see them when they make stops or come to local events.
Know what issues could affect you and your child. Know your stance on it, and then contact your legislators to let them know why you feel that way. A great website to check in Oklahoma is http://www.oklegislature.gov/. This will give you any information you need to contact them and find out what issues are happening in the state. Each state will have a similar site.
The representatives we talked to told us that there is no way to know all that is going on in each bill. This is why you should call them and let them know there is a particular bill that you feel strongly one way or another about. They may not have been aware of it, and need some insight into the pros and cons.
According to Ingraham, if they don’t know about a bill they are most likely to vote no for it. There are several reasons for this, but one is that if they are confronted by a constituent they can just say that there was some wording that wasn’t right in it, or that it was in the wrong committee. If you have contacted them then they know the issue and can research their stance on it.
Of the five “mock” bills that we presented to the committee members, they were impressed enough with two of them to actually look further this week into introducing them in the upcoming session in some form. Even though neither was my group’s bill, it was awesome to sit back and watch my fellow classmates enlighten these members of the state congress on issues that can help people with disabilities in Oklahoma, and perhaps eventually the U.S.
One thing I would recommend is that you have your ducks in a row before you contact them. Think of questions that they will ask. If you don’t know the answer to the question tell them that you will get back to them on it, and make sure that you do.
Also, they suggested that you never make anything a partisan issue. This only complicates things.
I want to say a special thank you to Rep. Jon Echols, Rep. Jason Nelson, Rep. Ben Sherrer, and Rep. Jeannie McDaniel for their time and knowledge, and to the Partners in Policymaking staff (Ann Trudgeon, Diana McCalment, Erin Taylor, and Jen Randle) and mentor Ashlee Jayne for all their help and knowledge. They all made the experience less painful.
Again, you are an advocate for your children. However, you can also advocate for the thousands of others in the state that may have the same issues as you. Make sure that your voice is heard.
Disclaimer: I am in no way claiming to be an expert. I’m just a father who is trying to learn as much about Autism as I can to help my child. I hope that you all can learn from me, and I from you. I ask anyone who has questions or comments about something I have written, or autism, please contact me at pervasiveparenting@hotmail.com
By Kodey Toney
You’ve Got To Fight For Your Right
When I remember back to civics class in high school when we learned about the executive, judicial, and legislative branches of government, never did I think that I would use that information again. However, this weekend at Partners in Policymaking I received a crash course in legislation. This was way more in-depth than anything I was taught in school.
Our guest presenter Sandy Ingraham was awesome. She knows more about the Oklahoma legislature then most people I’ve met. She helped guide the class through the process of presenting a bill and helping get it passed through the powers that be in Oklahoma City, and it was not only insightful, it wasn’t boring.
This was all an effort to help us prepare for Sunday when we had to present mock bills to four State Representatives. This was nerve-racking, but awesome. It was just another great experience that I had during this program.
“So what does this have to do with being a parent? Why would this affect me? “ you might ask. As a parent, as I’ve said many times, you are your child’s best advocate. Your voice is very important to get the resources your child needs. Think about their future. What happens now can affect their future.
Most would say, “Well I can’t make a difference. I don’t like politics. They won’t listen anyway. They’re just going to do what they want to.” The four representatives that we had the privilege to present to took time out of their Sunday to assist us in the process. That means they do care about what is best for your child and others with disabilities. They are not alone. They are also human. It’s not about politics. It’s about getting what is best for you, your children, and others like you.
One of the main things each representative told us was to contact them. They don’t know what your concern is if you don’t call. If you have a problem with healthcare, services, resources, or anything that may be an issue with your child call your representative or senator. This is why they are there. This is why we elect them into office.
They all agreed that meeting with them in person is better, so make an effort to see them when they make stops or come to local events.
Know what issues could affect you and your child. Know your stance on it, and then contact your legislators to let them know why you feel that way. A great website to check in Oklahoma is http://www.oklegislature.gov/. This will give you any information you need to contact them and find out what issues are happening in the state. Each state will have a similar site.
The representatives we talked to told us that there is no way to know all that is going on in each bill. This is why you should call them and let them know there is a particular bill that you feel strongly one way or another about. They may not have been aware of it, and need some insight into the pros and cons.
According to Ingraham, if they don’t know about a bill they are most likely to vote no for it. There are several reasons for this, but one is that if they are confronted by a constituent they can just say that there was some wording that wasn’t right in it, or that it was in the wrong committee. If you have contacted them then they know the issue and can research their stance on it.
Of the five “mock” bills that we presented to the committee members, they were impressed enough with two of them to actually look further this week into introducing them in the upcoming session in some form. Even though neither was my group’s bill, it was awesome to sit back and watch my fellow classmates enlighten these members of the state congress on issues that can help people with disabilities in Oklahoma, and perhaps eventually the U.S.
One thing I would recommend is that you have your ducks in a row before you contact them. Think of questions that they will ask. If you don’t know the answer to the question tell them that you will get back to them on it, and make sure that you do.
Also, they suggested that you never make anything a partisan issue. This only complicates things.
I want to say a special thank you to Rep. Jon Echols, Rep. Jason Nelson, Rep. Ben Sherrer, and Rep. Jeannie McDaniel for their time and knowledge, and to the Partners in Policymaking staff (Ann Trudgeon, Diana McCalment, Erin Taylor, and Jen Randle) and mentor Ashlee Jayne for all their help and knowledge. They all made the experience less painful.
Again, you are an advocate for your children. However, you can also advocate for the thousands of others in the state that may have the same issues as you. Make sure that your voice is heard.
Disclaimer: I am in no way claiming to be an expert. I’m just a father who is trying to learn as much about Autism as I can to help my child. I hope that you all can learn from me, and I from you. I ask anyone who has questions or comments about something I have written, or autism, please contact me at pervasiveparenting@hotmail.com
Bang Your Head
Pervasive Parenting
By Kodey Toney
Bang Your Head
Jen and I have fallen in love with the hit show Big Bang Theory. The show is funny and well written, but one of the main reasons we adore it so much is because some things hit a little close to home. When it was suggested that we start watching this show, after the first five minutes I looked at Jen and said, “We’re raising a Sheldon.” Now, I understand that some may find this as a strange comment, but I think it’s a great thing.
For those who don’t know; Sheldon Cooper is a loveable, yet annoying, scientist who is demanding and stubborn. Ok, so Konner isn’t really any of these yet, but some of Sheldon’s characteristics are similar.
In a recent interview with Jim Parsons, the actor who plays Sheldon, he said that the creators of the show have told him the character does not have autism or Asperger’s. The creators themselves have also confirmed that they were just writing the character to have his own personality.
Let’s take a look at some of the traits that Sheldon has in common, or at least I think so, with Konner. These are also behaviors that stand out in people on the spectrum.
Sheldon, as many know, has an above average IQ and is a brilliant scientist. Ok, Konner hasn’t made any discovery of string theory recently, but he did have, as the doctor said, “A genius IQ.” I hope that he uses this to become a gifted scientist someday. If not, maybe he can use his autism super powers for some sort of good. After all, Konner is very good at math.
Sheldon has obsessive or repetitive routines and rituals. One such quirk is that he has “his” seat. This is a specific spot on the couch that is his. He also has certain weekly schedules and menus. Konner does not have this “spot” in our house. In fact he doesn’t really care where he sits. Most of the time he just paces or walks around. He does have routines though that he goes through. Like Sheldon, there are certain things that he has to do, like taking a bath before bed. Anytime his daily routine is broken it make for a bad time for awhile. He also has to eat the same thing, or type of thing, for lunch. He has to have Lunchables everyday at school.
Sheldon is socially awkward and has trouble communicating with others. There is usually a lack of sarcasm. I always say that this is a bit of an irony with Konner since I have sarcasm dripping from every word I say. Konner doesn’t understand my jokes most of the time. This is not to say that he’s not funny. He’s actually very funny in his own right; he just doesn’t use sarcasm.
Dr. Cooper also has sensitivity to sensory information, such as light, sound, texture, and taste. Konner has all of these. Texture and sound are his two major issues. He has trouble when there are loud sounds or too much going on in the room. Like most people on the spectrum Konner has an issue with clothes. Just the other day Konner was squirming around and saying that he hurt all over. He was wearing something new that he had received for Christmas. All the way home from wherever we had gone he was complaining that his body hurt. As soon as we got home he ran in the house and said, “Can I take my clothes off my body hurts?” The new clothes and whatever they were made of were bothering him so much it hurt.
In addition (Jen reminded me of this) Konner doesn’t like for anyone to help him with things. There was an episode where Sheldon is in an academic competition, but doesn’t want anyone else to answer questions. This is much like Konner.
I enjoy this show very much, and I admire the character of Sheldon. I think that he has shown the world that it’s okay to be different. Embrace what makes you who you are, and don’t change that for anyone. I hope that my son does grow up to be like Sheldon. If nothing else it is an entertaining ride. Bazinga!
By Kodey Toney
Bang Your Head
Jen and I have fallen in love with the hit show Big Bang Theory. The show is funny and well written, but one of the main reasons we adore it so much is because some things hit a little close to home. When it was suggested that we start watching this show, after the first five minutes I looked at Jen and said, “We’re raising a Sheldon.” Now, I understand that some may find this as a strange comment, but I think it’s a great thing.
For those who don’t know; Sheldon Cooper is a loveable, yet annoying, scientist who is demanding and stubborn. Ok, so Konner isn’t really any of these yet, but some of Sheldon’s characteristics are similar.
In a recent interview with Jim Parsons, the actor who plays Sheldon, he said that the creators of the show have told him the character does not have autism or Asperger’s. The creators themselves have also confirmed that they were just writing the character to have his own personality.
Let’s take a look at some of the traits that Sheldon has in common, or at least I think so, with Konner. These are also behaviors that stand out in people on the spectrum.
Sheldon, as many know, has an above average IQ and is a brilliant scientist. Ok, Konner hasn’t made any discovery of string theory recently, but he did have, as the doctor said, “A genius IQ.” I hope that he uses this to become a gifted scientist someday. If not, maybe he can use his autism super powers for some sort of good. After all, Konner is very good at math.
Sheldon has obsessive or repetitive routines and rituals. One such quirk is that he has “his” seat. This is a specific spot on the couch that is his. He also has certain weekly schedules and menus. Konner does not have this “spot” in our house. In fact he doesn’t really care where he sits. Most of the time he just paces or walks around. He does have routines though that he goes through. Like Sheldon, there are certain things that he has to do, like taking a bath before bed. Anytime his daily routine is broken it make for a bad time for awhile. He also has to eat the same thing, or type of thing, for lunch. He has to have Lunchables everyday at school.
Sheldon is socially awkward and has trouble communicating with others. There is usually a lack of sarcasm. I always say that this is a bit of an irony with Konner since I have sarcasm dripping from every word I say. Konner doesn’t understand my jokes most of the time. This is not to say that he’s not funny. He’s actually very funny in his own right; he just doesn’t use sarcasm.
Dr. Cooper also has sensitivity to sensory information, such as light, sound, texture, and taste. Konner has all of these. Texture and sound are his two major issues. He has trouble when there are loud sounds or too much going on in the room. Like most people on the spectrum Konner has an issue with clothes. Just the other day Konner was squirming around and saying that he hurt all over. He was wearing something new that he had received for Christmas. All the way home from wherever we had gone he was complaining that his body hurt. As soon as we got home he ran in the house and said, “Can I take my clothes off my body hurts?” The new clothes and whatever they were made of were bothering him so much it hurt.
In addition (Jen reminded me of this) Konner doesn’t like for anyone to help him with things. There was an episode where Sheldon is in an academic competition, but doesn’t want anyone else to answer questions. This is much like Konner.
I enjoy this show very much, and I admire the character of Sheldon. I think that he has shown the world that it’s okay to be different. Embrace what makes you who you are, and don’t change that for anyone. I hope that my son does grow up to be like Sheldon. If nothing else it is an entertaining ride. Bazinga!
Monday, December 31, 2012
Brotherly Love
Pervasive Parenting
By Kodey Toney
Brotherly Love
Kruz came in the other day bouncing off the walls
like he normally does. He jumped off the couch a few times, pestered his
brother until Konner hit him, and then came crying and running to me. He’s a
typical four-year old. By that I mean neurotypical. He does things that most
four-year olds do. He’s really into Ninja Turtles, collecting things, and generally
getting on my nerves.
Why do I bring him up? Often parents of children on
the spectrum spend so much time trying to help their child with needs that they
neglect their other child/children. This is not to say that they leave them on
their own, or make them fend for themselves (at least I hope not), or that they
mean to, but they spend so much time trying to help one child that they don’t
make time for the other.
Jen and I work really hard to keep Kruz from feeling
this way, and I think most of the parents I know do the same. However, I want
to share a few things that I’ve found to help parents remember the siblings of
children with autism.
The strange thing is that Konner and Kruz are
complementary to each other. I don’t mean that they go around telling each
other how the other is a great brother; though I wish they would. They are
opposites in many ways. Kruz went to the Christmas tree lighting ceremony in
Panama a couple weeks ago, and as we showed up three or four kids came up to
him and gave him hugs. They were excited to see him. Now, the same thing
happens with Konner, and we are really fortunate for that, but Kruz was so
excited and outspoken to the kids as well. Konner would usually take the hugs,
say hello and then move on to the next thing that catches his attention.
We were told when Konner was younger that he would
probably never tell us he loved us. This has proven to be wrong though. Konner
often tells us that he loves us, and many times without us asking him. The
ironic thing is that Kruz won’t tell me most of the time when I ask him. This
is kind of crazy to me.
They are the yen and yang of children if you ask me.
They do fight like brothers, and while that’s
annoying at times, I think it’s great that it’s “normal” activity. This may
sound funny to some, but really I’m glad that they fight most of the time. I’m
just afraid that Konner is going to get upset sometime and really hurt him.
There are some great advantages to having a sibling
not on the spectrum. Siblings can help with social interaction. Most of the
time when a child with autism won’t talk to others they will communicate with
their siblings; even if it’s a strange way of communicating. They will interact
with each other while playing. Kruz likes to say, “Come on Konner do this”, or
“Konner say this.” This is good and bad. Good that there is social interaction,
but bad that Konner gets frustrated with Kruz telling him what to do and say
all the time.
Here are some tips from the Autism Society to make
sure that your child feels like they are important in your family’s lives.
Things to look for:
·
Over
identification – They will try to make sure that they have their own identity.
They won’t want to be Konner’s brother, or “the other son”.
·
Embarrassment
– Some might start feeling embarrassed about having a sibling that’s different.
Especially if other children start to see their brother/sister as “autistic”.
·
Guilt
– They may feel guilty if you feel low or upset. They may see it as their
fault, but you need to reassure them that it has nothing to do with them.
·
Isolation
and Loneliness – If you spend too much time with the other child you will make
them feel all like they are all alone.
·
Resentment
– All of this causes resentment. They resent the fact that you don’t spend as
much time with them as you do their brother/sister.
·
Pressure to Achieve – They will feel
that they have to do more than they do to make you happy.
We try really hard to keep Kruz feeling like he’s
just as important as Konner, because he is. He just doesn’t need the extra
therapies and assistance that Konner does. One thing we’ve done is to try and keep
him involved in everything we do.
I think that many people try to do this, but it’s a
tough balance to keep both children happy. I just want to make people aware
that they need to help both children (or more if there are several).
Disclaimer: I am in no way claiming to be an expert.
I’m just a father who is trying to learn as much about Autism as I can to help
my child. I hope that you all can learn from me, and I from you. I ask anyone
who has questions or comments about something I have written, or autism, please
contact me at pervasiveparenting@hotmail.com. I will try to answer questions as
I have time, and if I find it interesting enough I may touch on it in my
column. You can also find all columns archived at blogspot.com.
Times They Are A Changing
Pervasive Parenting
By Kodey Toney
Times They Are A Changing
By the time this comes out Christmas will be but a memory. However, I think I'm just going to keep it short and explain a few things that have changed over the years with Konner and Christmas.
I remember back to the Christmas following his diagnosis (I've told this before, but feel it's important to include). We went to my parent's house and there were many people present. The noise of everyone talking and playing mixed with the smells of the many food dishes and the bustling of people running around proved to be too much for Konner to handle. He came up to Jen and I and said. "I want to go home. I'm ready to go." I didn't leave as soon as I should have and he went into a meltdown. That was a real learning experience.
In recent years things are different. Konner handles things much better. Now I've seen arguments lately in publications, from speakers, and online saying that therapies can be a waste of time for children on the spectrum. I disagree. The difference in Konner, and his tolerance of things that used to over-stimulate him is proof enough for me to continue. We don't worry about going anywhere with him for the holidays, and the family knows we could leave at any time.
Konner did show signs of "normalcy" this year (not that he doesn't all the time). We woke up a couple days before Christmas and the boys had opened some presents. Konner usually leaves his alone, but for some reason (though I think Kruz had a lot to do with it) they had most of his gifts unwrapped. I was a little upset at first, but after thinking about it I realized it was kind of a good thing. I know this doesn't sound unusual to some, but then...that's the point.
I'm blessed to have my children. They have been the best presents I've ever received.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Misled
Pervasive Parenting
By Kodey Toney
Misled
I have been praying the last two days for the families, victims, and even the shooter in Connecticut. I have recently seen that he may have had autism or Aspergers-like symptoms. Let's get something straight; whether he did or did not have some type of autism does not mean that this is why he committed these senseless crimes. What it means is that there was something deeper going on inside. I've seen people post on Facebook that he was "mental", and there may have been mental issues, but let’s keep in mind that autism is a neurological issue. People with autism, despite what we have heard, do have empathy. They just don't show it like a neurotypical person does. Let's not be too quick to judge people by their disability.
I’m writing this week, not to the parents of children with autism, but to the masses. Anyone who has been watching the media coverage as they grasp at anything that will give them an answer to the ultimate question in this, and any other heinous crime: Why? We may never know the answer to this question, but what it seems that most outlets have grabbed onto is the fact that Adam Lanza may have had autism.
I was watching 60 Minutes last night and this was one thing they really ran with. They interviewed neighbors and a classmate of Lanza’s and pushed the fact that he was quiet, antisocial, and different. The classmate said that he was “Uncomfortable to speak in class.” She also said he was very smart, but “wanted to be left alone, so we left him alone.” A neighbor, and friend of the family, said that Lanza’s mother had told them he had Asperger’s.
I’m not trying to argue this fact. From what I’ve heard it sounds true. What I’m trying to dispel is the assumption that this is the cause of all the evil.
I’m in a unique situation on this one. Not only have I done hours upon hours of research over autism, I am the head of the campus safety committee at CASC in Sallisaw. With that I have had numerous hours of training through Homeland Security and other law-enforcement organizations to deal with active shooters. I have done extensive research on the subject and feel that I have a good amount of knowledge.
With that, I have never once seen anything to say that you should be on the lookout for people with autism. In fact, the stereotype of a quiet/loner type of person is a big misconception.
In the book “Why Kids Kill: Inside the Minds of School Shooters” author Peter Langman, Ph.D., uses several words to describe these shooters. Psychopath, depressed, schizophrenia, sexual abuse, and paranoid are among the many words used to describe the shooters of several mass killings including Klebold and Harris from the Columbine Massacre, and Golden and Johnson from Jonesboro, Ar. Never once does this book mention Asperger’s or any form of autism.
Langman states in his book: “Many of the shooters were athletic and involved in extracurricular activities.” He explains that many were outgoing in their schools. In fact, Eric Harris (Columbine mastermind) was a member of the soccer team as well as working with others as an assistant in the computer lab and with the school’s media club. He says: “In short, the image of school shooters as alienated students who had no connection to, or involvement with, their schools is not accurate. Many were engaged in the classroom…” Of the 10 shooters that Langman studied in his book, only one was described as a loner.
The staff of 60 Minutes even ran a letter they had received from an “Asperger’s Support Group” stating: “Patients are more prone to be victims as opposed to perpetrators
We don't know whether Asperger’s played any role in the shootings.”
Think about this for a second. If 1 in 88 people are diagnosed with autism, then it stands to reason that 1 in 88 would have autism (though statistic would probably show a larger margin since we have to breakdown the number of people who commit these crimes). I think this is a random coincidence that proves that people with autism have lives just like ours, and have problems just like neurotypical citizens.
What I think Lanza was, was a 20-year old desperate for attention. He had mental issues that needed to be addressed earlier, and was reaching out. My pastor Victor Sweet said Sunday that people who commit suicide think that it will end their pain. I feel that this person probably did feel this way, and we will never know why he decided to kill other innocent people along the way. But I’m certain, at least in my mind, that it is not because of autism.
Lack of empathy has long been associated with autism. However, the more we learn, mostly from those with the disability, the more we know this is not true. In fact they sometimes have a deeper empathy, but lack the ability to show it. There is a huge difference. What has been shown, according to Langman’s book, is that psychopaths lack empathy; which would be a more acceptable answer to why Lanza may have done what he did.
I’m not trying to make excuses for this act of evil. It is a horrible crime. My heart goes out to the families and friends of the 26 victims. I have a seven-year old. He happens to have autism. This makes things very crazy for me. I also have a four-year old, and I have thought several times about this happening to them in the last few days. That is truly unfathomable.
What I am trying to do is debunk the fact that autism is the cause of senseless crimes. We are fighting for civil rights of people with disabilities, and more specifically with autism. In that fight, something like this can set us way back. Please don’t let others think that people with autism are cold-blooded killers. They are human, they are compassionate, and they are our loved ones and our children.
Disclaimer: I am in no way claiming to be an expert. I’m just a father who is trying to learn as much about Autism as I can to help my child. I hope that you all can learn from me, and I from you. I ask anyone who has questions or comments about something I have written, or autism, please contact me at pervasiveparenting@hotmail.com. I will try to answer questions as I have time, and if I find it interesting enough I may touch on it in my column. You can also find all columns archived at blogspot.com.
By Kodey Toney
Misled
I have been praying the last two days for the families, victims, and even the shooter in Connecticut. I have recently seen that he may have had autism or Aspergers-like symptoms. Let's get something straight; whether he did or did not have some type of autism does not mean that this is why he committed these senseless crimes. What it means is that there was something deeper going on inside. I've seen people post on Facebook that he was "mental", and there may have been mental issues, but let’s keep in mind that autism is a neurological issue. People with autism, despite what we have heard, do have empathy. They just don't show it like a neurotypical person does. Let's not be too quick to judge people by their disability.
I’m writing this week, not to the parents of children with autism, but to the masses. Anyone who has been watching the media coverage as they grasp at anything that will give them an answer to the ultimate question in this, and any other heinous crime: Why? We may never know the answer to this question, but what it seems that most outlets have grabbed onto is the fact that Adam Lanza may have had autism.
I was watching 60 Minutes last night and this was one thing they really ran with. They interviewed neighbors and a classmate of Lanza’s and pushed the fact that he was quiet, antisocial, and different. The classmate said that he was “Uncomfortable to speak in class.” She also said he was very smart, but “wanted to be left alone, so we left him alone.” A neighbor, and friend of the family, said that Lanza’s mother had told them he had Asperger’s.
I’m not trying to argue this fact. From what I’ve heard it sounds true. What I’m trying to dispel is the assumption that this is the cause of all the evil.
I’m in a unique situation on this one. Not only have I done hours upon hours of research over autism, I am the head of the campus safety committee at CASC in Sallisaw. With that I have had numerous hours of training through Homeland Security and other law-enforcement organizations to deal with active shooters. I have done extensive research on the subject and feel that I have a good amount of knowledge.
With that, I have never once seen anything to say that you should be on the lookout for people with autism. In fact, the stereotype of a quiet/loner type of person is a big misconception.
In the book “Why Kids Kill: Inside the Minds of School Shooters” author Peter Langman, Ph.D., uses several words to describe these shooters. Psychopath, depressed, schizophrenia, sexual abuse, and paranoid are among the many words used to describe the shooters of several mass killings including Klebold and Harris from the Columbine Massacre, and Golden and Johnson from Jonesboro, Ar. Never once does this book mention Asperger’s or any form of autism.
Langman states in his book: “Many of the shooters were athletic and involved in extracurricular activities.” He explains that many were outgoing in their schools. In fact, Eric Harris (Columbine mastermind) was a member of the soccer team as well as working with others as an assistant in the computer lab and with the school’s media club. He says: “In short, the image of school shooters as alienated students who had no connection to, or involvement with, their schools is not accurate. Many were engaged in the classroom…” Of the 10 shooters that Langman studied in his book, only one was described as a loner.
The staff of 60 Minutes even ran a letter they had received from an “Asperger’s Support Group” stating: “Patients are more prone to be victims as opposed to perpetrators
We don't know whether Asperger’s played any role in the shootings.”
Think about this for a second. If 1 in 88 people are diagnosed with autism, then it stands to reason that 1 in 88 would have autism (though statistic would probably show a larger margin since we have to breakdown the number of people who commit these crimes). I think this is a random coincidence that proves that people with autism have lives just like ours, and have problems just like neurotypical citizens.
What I think Lanza was, was a 20-year old desperate for attention. He had mental issues that needed to be addressed earlier, and was reaching out. My pastor Victor Sweet said Sunday that people who commit suicide think that it will end their pain. I feel that this person probably did feel this way, and we will never know why he decided to kill other innocent people along the way. But I’m certain, at least in my mind, that it is not because of autism.
Lack of empathy has long been associated with autism. However, the more we learn, mostly from those with the disability, the more we know this is not true. In fact they sometimes have a deeper empathy, but lack the ability to show it. There is a huge difference. What has been shown, according to Langman’s book, is that psychopaths lack empathy; which would be a more acceptable answer to why Lanza may have done what he did.
I’m not trying to make excuses for this act of evil. It is a horrible crime. My heart goes out to the families and friends of the 26 victims. I have a seven-year old. He happens to have autism. This makes things very crazy for me. I also have a four-year old, and I have thought several times about this happening to them in the last few days. That is truly unfathomable.
What I am trying to do is debunk the fact that autism is the cause of senseless crimes. We are fighting for civil rights of people with disabilities, and more specifically with autism. In that fight, something like this can set us way back. Please don’t let others think that people with autism are cold-blooded killers. They are human, they are compassionate, and they are our loved ones and our children.
Disclaimer: I am in no way claiming to be an expert. I’m just a father who is trying to learn as much about Autism as I can to help my child. I hope that you all can learn from me, and I from you. I ask anyone who has questions or comments about something I have written, or autism, please contact me at pervasiveparenting@hotmail.com. I will try to answer questions as I have time, and if I find it interesting enough I may touch on it in my column. You can also find all columns archived at blogspot.com.
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